May 5 - Worth A Thousand Words

Here's one you've been waiting for. For most of you, a first look at how Barbara's doing in pictures. My sister's family joined us for a picnic under the gazebo at Miller's Merry Manor. Rather than telling you how things are going, let me show you. At the end of the day, Barbara told me she was "tired... but it's a happy tired." I hope you enjoy these.

This shot is a casual look at the picnic, minus me. It was a day with a mix of sunshine and clouds, but no rain showed up and the temperature was great. Plus, the kids had lots of room to run around in the enclosed courtyard area.

Obviously, I'm not behind the camera on this one... thanks, John! Anyway, here I am with my precious angel. It's so nice that she can sit up now... it's a lot easier to hug her! She is working on increasing her endurance so that she can stay in the wheel chair most of the day in a few weeks at the big wedding.




A great shot here with nieces and nephew. We were also treated to a piano concert, lots of pictures, and lots of action!






And a shot here with my sister Stephanie and her husband, John. Stephanie is also a contributor to this blog in the past. It was such a blessing to have them with us.

Barbara hates to have her picture taken, but she agreed to let me share these with you since you have been so actively praying for her well-being. I hope you share our thrill in seeing her looking so good and doing so well. This week? Well... I continue to pray that this will be the week that she walks!

May 3

I'm finding that I don't have a whole lot of new stuff to report these days, only to say that by the grace of God, Barbara continues to make modest yet remarkable improvements every day. Thanks to the need to do some major house rearranging, and factoring in outrageous gas prices (here it's 3.14/gallon right now), I have been staying home more often to work. Thankfully, Barbara is getting well enough that she can keep herself busy despite boredom. Yesterday, Fay, a lady from GFM, spent the afternoon with her. That was quite a blessing to us all.

Barbara has been able to stand on her feet for longer periods of time (3 minutes as of yesterday), and has been doing quite well learning to transition from bed to chair on her feet (rather than using the hoyer lift). The last time I was with her, she actually stood erect for most of the time on her feet, and that was a very emotional moment. While she does require assistance to stand, she told me that yesterday, she felt herself lifting up before the therapist assisted!

I'm also very pleased that her emotional state has brightened up quite a bit. These months have taken a great toll on her, and living in a nursing home environment isn't at all easy. But she's driven by the goals she has set for herself, and things are looking up.

I don't believe that God puts us through life traumas like this to teach us a lesson. Certainly under the old covenant, there were times when God related to man in that way. But I sense that in the truly desperate and despairing times of my life, rather than making me learn through heartache, He is making sense out of what seems senseless to me. In other words, God transforms the junk of our lives into something beautiful if we let Him. I see now where God is leading me. I realize now that this path has been transformed from something ugly and painful to something worthwhile. Not that our suffering was necessary - but it was necessary to teach me to love again. While Barbara and I never stopped loving each other, like many people who've been married for a number of years, we had settled for a settled-in kind of love. These days, I find myself thrilled every time I see her and every time I hear her voice on the phone. I've experienced a renewal of love for her in a manner that I haven't experienced in years. In a way, I wish that all of you could experience this renewal (without the pain, of course - but I suspect it's the pain that has brought on the renaissance). While I can't wrap my mind around the ways of God, and I can't understand the precise ways He rules the universe, I can see His fingerprints on all things. I have asked for prayer from you so often; please know that I pray for you as well. I pray that God will cause something exciting to be reborn in your heart and mind today.

April 28

This has been a very positive week and a very trying week all knotted up in a tangled wonderful terrible mess!

I'm happy to tell you that Barbara has made progress. Her arms continue to grow stronger, and she's happily crocheting and writing notes to people. On Friday, she more than doubled her previous time on her feet by "standing" for 2 and a half minutes. Then she did something she hadn't done before - she stood another minute. I should qualify this a bit by explaining that she stands with help at each arm and a third person in front holding a rolled sheet that is around Barbara's waist. Also, she is still having difficulty standing straight, and spends most of the time hunched over. I assisted with one of the standing experiences, though, and I can tell you I did very little to support her... she was mostly doing it on her own!

Earlier in the day Friday, she finally got to take a bath in a really nice whirlpool tub that has a door that opens, and seals shut. While the water didn't come up all the way due to her stomach tube that is still in place, it was still a great experience for her. The aids did a tremendous job helping her, including washing her hair (I was so grateful for how well they did cleaning up the wound area). Let me take this moment to highly commend the great job the aids have done at Miller's. Barbara continues to win them over with her smile and caring demeanor.

I'm also thankful that Barbara has been eating better. While the food situation is tenuous at best, she is eating well - especially when I bring her junk food. She has been much more cheerful, too. While she is still quite emotional about the challenges that lie ahead (particularly in regards to all the uncertainty about how we're gonna make this wedding trip work). She has also begun reading these blog entries so that she can get an idea of what the days were like that her memory has mercifully erased with help from the sedation. She has some bizarre memories that don't make much sense to her. I'm quite surprised at how little she actually does remember.

One big area of prayer relates to the issue of the new Medicaid waiver program that would be a huge blessing to us. It would be a HUGE financial help to us. It is believed that because of her young age, she will definitely be accepted. However, approval can take months, and we're a bit nervous about Barbara leaving the nursing home for the wedding. It's complicated to explain, so I'll just simply ask you to pray for a miraculously quick approval.

As for the tough stuff of the week, I would just simply ask for your continued prayers for our financial big picture. I'm feeling much more positive about things than I was in the last entry, but there are still areas of concern. But God has been sooooo good to us. And we are blessed with such a wonderful family... our family in southern and central Indiana... and our spiritual family here at GFM and beyond.

This week, they will begin to work with Barbara on "transfers"... learning to get out of bed and into a chair while holding on to someone and pivoting. Please pray that this will go well.

And pray for continued healing of her legs (pray that this will be the week she walks),

Pray that she will continue to eat well,

Pray for a remarkable month of recovery ahead before the wedding,

And pray that she will quickly be accepted on this Medicaid waiver program.

Keep me in your prayers a tiny bit too... I had an upper GI early this week to confirm a likely hiatal hernia. They say stress is a big inducer of this. Gee, I wonder where that stress came from!

April 26 - Hear The Wind Blow

This has been a week of high emotion and physical struggle for me. As I watch the impressive work that God is doing in Barbara, I also struggle with the realities that come along with a long term hospitalization. It's a terrible paradox that when we struggle over one thing, many times we must then struggle with many things. The old cliche is, "when it rains, it pours". Well, I'm not giving up, but the battle has been tough this week as many financial realities crashed upon my head. I will tell you that God has been faithful. I called upon a few friends to pray specifically for a miracle one day, and indeed, God came and did something wonderful for us. While it may seem like a bandaid on a massive injury, it is still a sign that God struggles along with us and does not forsake us. I suppose the best way you could pray for us right now, besides the total and complete healing for Barbara, is to pray that we won't have to declare bankruptcy. This is a very real possibility. There are a number of factors at play here, but I simply want to avoid having to take this horrible step to resolve things. That was an extremely raw, real and vulnerable thing to tell you. I wonder if I should go back and delete it. But I guess the reality is, you must love us to continue to care enough to read what I write. So, I will ask for your prayers. While this is certainly a public forum, I would request that you refuse to simply speak of these matters to anyone but God. Some stupid rumors have arisen in the past from the grapevine of information that started in truth, and got distorted along the way. So, just pray and speak to God alone of these things.

As for Barbara's recovery, she is growing stronger everyday. At times I cry when I see her doing something that I had to do for her not long ago. She is crocheting like Martha Stewart in a windstorm (whatever that means). She can roll herself over fairly well. She is eating better, despite her disdain for the food being served (she calls it "old people food"). So, I continue to bring her junk food at times (that is what she is craving).

She has lost a lot of weight, but in turn, has begun to put a little back on.

She still can't walk, though. She cries out to walk, she knows that she can, she knows that she will, she just can't figure out why it isn't happening. They give her shocks to her muscles to awaken them (she says it feels good - relieves pain). She can stand up for a minute at a time with 3 therapists assisting. Every day, and many times every hour, I pray that THIS WILL BE THE WEEK THAT BARBARA WALKS. Please, God.

Her head wound is healing wonderfully well, but as Jackie's wedding rapidly approaches, she worries and cries about the scar left from the trache, and she is upset about the condition of her hair (she has lost a lot of it due to laying so much, and from the debridement). So, pray with me that God will also do a miracle and heal these things quickly as well.

I must say, though, that she is so beautiful to me. When I walk in the room, despite her messed up hair, despite all the things that she wants to be different, I still see such utter, magnificent beauty. Frankly, I had forgotten just how beautiful she is to me. But through all of this struggle, my eyes have been renewed and my heart has been changed. On her good days she greets me with sparkling eyes and a million dollar smile when I walk in the room. And not only do I see her, but I see God. I see the glory of God revealed through his child, one that He loves.

The subtitle I gave this entry was "Hear The Wind Blow". Remember that song... "Down in the valley, valley so low..."? I never thought about its spiritual relevance until recently. I've been down in the valley. Valley so low. But I've also heard the wind blow. It's the Spirit of God, coming in a gentle wind, reminding me that I am not alone. That God even moves in the valleys.