April 26 - Hear The Wind Blow

This has been a week of high emotion and physical struggle for me. As I watch the impressive work that God is doing in Barbara, I also struggle with the realities that come along with a long term hospitalization. It's a terrible paradox that when we struggle over one thing, many times we must then struggle with many things. The old cliche is, "when it rains, it pours". Well, I'm not giving up, but the battle has been tough this week as many financial realities crashed upon my head. I will tell you that God has been faithful. I called upon a few friends to pray specifically for a miracle one day, and indeed, God came and did something wonderful for us. While it may seem like a bandaid on a massive injury, it is still a sign that God struggles along with us and does not forsake us. I suppose the best way you could pray for us right now, besides the total and complete healing for Barbara, is to pray that we won't have to declare bankruptcy. This is a very real possibility. There are a number of factors at play here, but I simply want to avoid having to take this horrible step to resolve things. That was an extremely raw, real and vulnerable thing to tell you. I wonder if I should go back and delete it. But I guess the reality is, you must love us to continue to care enough to read what I write. So, I will ask for your prayers. While this is certainly a public forum, I would request that you refuse to simply speak of these matters to anyone but God. Some stupid rumors have arisen in the past from the grapevine of information that started in truth, and got distorted along the way. So, just pray and speak to God alone of these things.

As for Barbara's recovery, she is growing stronger everyday. At times I cry when I see her doing something that I had to do for her not long ago. She is crocheting like Martha Stewart in a windstorm (whatever that means). She can roll herself over fairly well. She is eating better, despite her disdain for the food being served (she calls it "old people food"). So, I continue to bring her junk food at times (that is what she is craving).

She has lost a lot of weight, but in turn, has begun to put a little back on.

She still can't walk, though. She cries out to walk, she knows that she can, she knows that she will, she just can't figure out why it isn't happening. They give her shocks to her muscles to awaken them (she says it feels good - relieves pain). She can stand up for a minute at a time with 3 therapists assisting. Every day, and many times every hour, I pray that THIS WILL BE THE WEEK THAT BARBARA WALKS. Please, God.

Her head wound is healing wonderfully well, but as Jackie's wedding rapidly approaches, she worries and cries about the scar left from the trache, and she is upset about the condition of her hair (she has lost a lot of it due to laying so much, and from the debridement). So, pray with me that God will also do a miracle and heal these things quickly as well.

I must say, though, that she is so beautiful to me. When I walk in the room, despite her messed up hair, despite all the things that she wants to be different, I still see such utter, magnificent beauty. Frankly, I had forgotten just how beautiful she is to me. But through all of this struggle, my eyes have been renewed and my heart has been changed. On her good days she greets me with sparkling eyes and a million dollar smile when I walk in the room. And not only do I see her, but I see God. I see the glory of God revealed through his child, one that He loves.

The subtitle I gave this entry was "Hear The Wind Blow". Remember that song... "Down in the valley, valley so low..."? I never thought about its spiritual relevance until recently. I've been down in the valley. Valley so low. But I've also heard the wind blow. It's the Spirit of God, coming in a gentle wind, reminding me that I am not alone. That God even moves in the valleys.