December 22

This is Greg again.

It's difficult to write words when you feel that you're all out of them. If I could find a way to express my anger without seeming to be angry at the wrong things, I would do so. If I could express my fatigue while reassuring you I'm being well taken care of, I'd do so. If I could express my hope and optimism and yet confess my distress and discomfort, I would do so. When it comes to finding the right way to express myself in days like these, I realize that in whatever I say, there is a hair's breadth difference between stupidity and bravery. And, to the naked eye, it's often hard to discern the two.

I prayed for the gift of understanding Barbara's thoughts so that I could be of better help to her in this time that she cannot communicate. Today, I'm feeling utter exhaustion and anxiety at the course this hospital stay is taking. Barbara has indicated to me that she is really, really, really tired of all of this. But at the same time, she seems to want to fight on. There's another paradox for you - ready to give up and ready to go forward at the same time. If you understand that, then you know where we are today.

On the bright side, my sister's family has been here and we just had a lovely time unwrapping gifts together. Barbara was very alert and seemed to really enjoy herself. Jackie and Peter were here as well. We gave pictures of ourselves (mousetraps, as we call them) that had been taken this past summer at GFM for our new directory. I am a great admirer of Peter's photographic skills, and he and Jackie gave me a frame with 1 of this pictures from Jerusalem, and 2 yet to come. All in all, it was a blessed occasion.

Barbara's vitals are decent today, but she's fighting yet another infection. She has been really alert, but also very upset by this ongoing struggle. Her lungs continue to do better, and her neck surgery is looking really good. However, her kidneys are starting to fail again, and her digestive system doesn't seem to want to kick into gear.

We've officially called a halt to all tests that are in the name of "just trying something". She's been poked, gouged, and stuck enough. If the test will be helpful to the big picture situation, and if there is reason to believe it will be of benefit, then we'll allow it. Otherwise, no more jabbing for the sake of jabbing.

I wish that I could tell you that we're all just living in the land of lollipops and dreamcycles when it comes to how this will turn out. However, none of the pictures for the future look all that swell and ooey gooey soft and chewy. That doesn't mean I lack in faith or that I'm questioning God. Rather, I think we're all wondering if this will be the opportunity that God takes to present Barbara with a fully restored, fully healed body free of pain. Our druthers would be for that to happen here. But if not, then we will celebrate an even bigger gain for her. On the other hand, if she is to remain, we wonder if she will ever walk again, or if there will be a point when she'll be off of the respirator. It would be so terribly hurtful for Barbara to be stuck in the hospital and miss Jackie's wedding this coming spring.

Please continue to pray with us for Barbara's complete healing,

That her kidneys would heal,

That her digestive system would restart,

That she would be at peace and free of anxiety or fear,

That we will all have the wisdom that we need and the opportunities to serve our gracious Lord even while here in "prison".

Please be especially at prayer for Jackie and Peter today. They have come to the hard decision to stay here a while longer, meaning that Peter will miss Christmas with his family. My respect for Peter has grown exponentially in realizing that his family is as important to him as mine is to me, and that he loves Jackie so much that this sacrifice is one that he is able to make. Christmas here won't be made up of decorations and special meals - but it will be full of love, and centered in Jesus. To the White family, I will make sure your boy makes it home as soon as possible, and my prayers are with you all at this difficult time for you as well. We haven't met yet, but I do feel a special love in my heart for you simply by knowing Peter, and the great man that he is.